Look at what I got today!

I am so very excited about this find on Craigslist…

A day off!

A new bike!

A new day!

My head is still not in the game. Actually, to clarify, my head is always in the game but my body & mind refuse to follow. I am constantly thinking about my weight and my fatness but I do nothing to fix it…

I have great ideas about getting where I want to be and I totally know how to make it happen… but I am a glorified couch potato who loves sitting on her couch and watch Biggest Loser while chomping on something bad for me, dreaming it was me on the show or “in the game” ~

The only way I can get where I want to be is to move my ass and not my hand to my mouth with food….

There are some Zumba classes I would love to attend. I have had an interest in Zumba for a long time. Had an interest in Roller Derby but failed at that due to my bad back.

I am so tired of hating myself. Time to do something about it…

Years ago I was totally embarrassed by a co-worker who made a fat joke at my expense. That experience caused me to hide for a few days but when I emerged, I was determined to lose the weight.  I lost around 30 pounds and it felt great. I then changed jobs and  gained 60 pounds in 5 1/2 years. I have since lost 15 of those 60 and am weighing in at/around 245!  Although I hated that experience, it gave me the motivation I needed to lose weight.

This time, I am using the fact that my 16 (soon to be 17) year old son will be the starting quarter back for his high school football team next season. I have until September to become the Hot FootBall Cheering Momma I want to be.

I am also going to try to motivate my 14 year old daughter to join me so she can build her confidence before she starts high school next year. She will be in 9th grade and at the bottom of the pecking order. I want her to walk in that school with confidence that she is the bomb!

Stay tuned… as I get back on track, I will be spending more time telling you about it.

I am at 245 now – I wanna be less than 185…. 60 pounds to get off me in a little over 3 months. It is doable!

Happy Memorial Day!

T~!

It is just like when my finances are better and I may just have some extra cash something happens! (My truck had to have a $1048 repair last week which kept me from going to the beach this week!)

I was up & down last night due to my back hurting & keeping me from sleeping. I did not take pain pill before bed cause I did not want to miss my 4 am alarm for boot camp.  So not only did I get NO sleep, but I missed Boot Camp!

Doctor thinks I have injured my bulging discs AGAIN! (DUH!) So I have been instructed to “Be Careful,” & “No Strenuous Exercising!”

So until I am better, I have to back off Boot Camp!

So now I am pissed & depressed! (AGAIN!)

My “Head in the Game” is now like my “Head in the PISSER!”

HOWEVER,

I know there are things I can do…

• I have to work regardless of my injury, so I will be wearing my heart rate monitor this week to see what my calories burn is for my school inspections.

• I am going to focus on eating better foods.

• I am going to Drink my Water (something I have not been doing enough of)

• I am going to try to find something I can do to burn calories that will not cause my back injury to be worse.

I feel it is time I come clean with everyone. It is time to share with you where & how I have been spending my time. I must admit to you my love! I have to be up front & honest so we (you & I) can continue our relationship without any secrets! Part of my weight loss journey includes me coming clean!

Meet my LOVE:

Yep! I love my Couch!!! (and it LOVES ME!)

(Bet you thought I was going to admit to having real lover? or maybe talk about my love of Food?)

Let me tell you about my couch!

It loves me regardless!

It does not matter how much I weigh, it loves me.

It does not matter what I eat while sitting on it, it loves me.

It does not care if I lay on it to take a nap, it loves me.

It is home every time I come home, because it loves me.

It is always there to support me (literally), because it loves me.

It is so comfortable. It loves me.

But to make my journey work, I need to break it off with my couch. My couch and I have spent so much quality time together. It has comforted me in so many ways. It is soooo comfortable despite its ugliness…

To make my journey a success, I must break it off with my couch. No more coming home and napping with it. No more eating with it.

I need to spend less time with my couch and more time out in the world.

This was a very difficult post for me!

The last line of yesterdays post said:

My head is back in the game and I am ready to face the world again.

It was awesome to have Positive Thoughts & a Great Day on Saturday (although I did not eat right, I did not over eat so I am chalking that up to a small victory) AND we walked a ton while shopping for a Halloween Costume for my 4 year old. I also hit the ball for my son yesterday afternoon for a bit…. (I miss my softball days)

Yesterday my brain was like:

It is Great to know I can do this!!

BUT —> It sucks major ass when I wake up today in a pissy mood (Back is still giving me hell)! Then I weigh and see the number higher than I expected……(I figured it was up but not to the amount it showed today)

Now it is all about the mental game:

I can do this!

No, your a fat ass and can’t!

I will do this!

No, your lazy & have a food addiction you won’t!

I will succeed!

FUCK THIS!

I have to CONSTANTLY think positive thoughts for me to get through right now and I am sure for the better part of the day. It takes a ton of reading about success and/or keeping my mind occupied to keep me from eating myself into a frenzy.   I have been keeping busy with some housework….. Laundry/picking up/dishes all in between reading about people who have been successful in their journey……..

I am trying to think positive thoughts…

Tomorrow I am back at boot camp! Despite my back, I will be there and will do SOMETHING to burn calories and make the best of my opportunity!

Click the link below & read about Jack Sh*t  &

W.I.D.T.H. (WHY I DO THIS HERE)

Then you will understand the below picture!

My head is back in the game and I am ready to face the world again.

**Disclaimer: I am totally ME in this blog – cussing & honest – if swear words offend you, please change the channel   I am no longer holding back the real ME. Before I feared losing readers ( not that I have any – lol) or fear of someone I know reading my thoughts. It is time I let Me be Me! Thank you! T~!**

UP & DOWN!!

On & Off!!!!!

Always…… The same with no change in the outcome!

I am seemingly back on the wagon – The exercise wagon that is,  not so much the eating right wagon…. and I am calling it back on the wagon cause I showed up at Boot Camp 3 out of 5 days this past week… so… take that for what it’s worth!

Ton has happened since I last posted… (I only tend to post when I am – in my head – doing good, just so you know… So since my last post, my life as I know it has been shit)

I am not participating in Roller Derby right now. I SOOOOOO wanted to be a part of Derby but a large long list of shit kept me from continuing…………………… I hurt my back from picking up my heavy ass dog.  Doc said my bulging discs (got my lovely fucking 4 bulging discs from wearing air packs while fire fighting back in the day) can easily rupture if I was to fall just the right way while skating…. that scared the shit outta me cause ruptured discs = back surgery -  so I backed off skating…. If I was to lose weight and get in better shape then I can skate and learn to fall the right way vs just trying not to break something when I fall….  Work got crazy (plenty of overtime & stress on my plate), money got very tight (gas money was non-existent and the practice venue is 50 miles one way from where I live and I drive a flipping SUV that guzzles fucking gas), family demands were up (with a 16, 14, & 4 year old in the family along with a disabled husband who would not have family demands?) & my self confidence was down (this stays down & still is)………………………………….

I have been giving an opportunity to attend a fitness boot camp 5 days a week…. This past week I went 3 out of 5 days. I missed Tuesday cause I was awake all night – literally UP all night. (I took a pill to help me sleep so I could get up at 4 freaking AM and the damn thing hyped me up!) Then I missed Friday cause at Thursdays Boot Camp, I pulled something in my back while hitting a tire with a sledge hammer…. We were doing what my trainer called Tire Hockey – I twisted wrong while hitting the tire thus wrenching my back…. (I would like to happily report that I did drag a large tire with a thick ass chain attached to it around the building (we were paired up so I did it with a partner) AND flip a HUGE fucking tractor tire BEFORE my injury – and after my injury, I still jogged once around the building)

{I am VERY proud of my accomplishments of

Thursday’s class despite my stupid ass back!!}

The injury to my back is the same injury that kept me from continuing with Derby in August. Today has been hell trying to walk/get up/sit down/go pee…… OUCH! Luckily, I had a couple of pain pills that helped but I HAVE to be better by Monday…..

I can not fuck up the opportunity for FREE BOOT CAMP CLASSES… Yes FREE! (there is a long story behind why the class is free for me – I will leave that for a future post) Screw the fact that I have to get up at 4:15 am to be at class by 5…. To hell with the fact that I have to drive home after class and rush to shower, shit & shine for work………

I know I NEED this! I HAVE to make this work for me! I have been given a chance that many do not have…

With such a GREAT chance of success in front of me, why is it that I think of every excuse in the book NOT TO GO…. Why am I still not stopping myself from eating shit that is bad for me? (I am happy to report I am not overeating as usually do, but I am not eating healthy foods and I know I need too!!!!)

I have to keep my head in the game! I have to succeed this time! I can’t fuck up this chance I have dangling in front of me with no strings attached….

So to try to keep my mind positive and on track….. Here are a couple of things I noticed about myself this past week despite eating shit and thinking of reasons not to go……

• After my first class back I came home and actually put on some make-up for work!

• I caught myself walking with my head a bit higher this week.

• I actually put some thought into what I wore for work this week.

• One day this week I actually wore my hair DOWN and not pulled back into a make shift bun.

I am going to work hard at getting my back better by Monday! There is a reminder set on my calendar to post updates here on regular basis in hopes of keeping myself accountable for my actions & progress…..

Derby has been a challenge…

Not me! A teammate! It will be FOREVER before I can do this!

I knew it would be but I figured it would get easier quicker and it hasn’t.  I am very out of shape and there is no way I will be competing anytime soon. Hell, I am just trying to skate in circles… no way I can do some of the things my teammates do…..

I fell at the last practice I went too…. it hurt a little but it was was nothing to compared to the fact that I split my pants and tights! Literally showed my ASS. And since I have an issue with my weight then splitting my pants was MUCH worse than getting hurt…. I was embarrassed and ready to call it quits and like a big ole pansy I cried…… one of my teammates was awesome and she DUCT TAPED my split and told me to get up and go back at it…. Yes – she DUCT TAPED my ASS!  But ya know what? I

Ok so this IS NOT ME! BUT - it is the way I FELT that night I fell..... LIke I said.. I can laugh at it NOW but not that night.

went back out there… with duct tape on my ass…..

I laugh at it now but that night I was mortified… and the next day I realized that no one cared that I split my pants nor did anyone but those right there with me when it happened (maybe 4 ppl out of 25) saw it….

So – after the night of my fall (8/1) I had a rough week…. Missed boot camp the next Tuesday (8/3) cause I did not set my alarm.. Missed practice on Wednesday (8/4) due to being in a class that did not let out early enuff for me to get to practice (not that I really wanted to go cause I was still reeling from my ass showing)……. On Thursday, Grace (my daughter) and I set out on a trip to St. Louis to visit my Aunt & Uncle….

Thursday was HORRENDOUS! We had to drive 3 1/2 hours to Raleigh to catch the plane.. this was so we could use frequent flier miles for a free ticket… no biggie.. but then to make a longggggg story short, due to weather our plane left Raleigh 5 1/2 hours LATE! We missed our connection in Baltimore and had to spend the night…. But we arrived safely on Friday morning and had a WONDERFUL TIME! We visited the ZOO, shopped and just hung out.. It was awesome….

Grace's 1st plane trip EVER and it only took 3 1/2 hours of driving and 5 1/2 hours of sitting on the plane (we did get to get off plane if we wanted) for her to get in the air but it was DARK so she saw nothing!

The St. Louis Zoo ROCKS!

This was one cool dude!

We had a blast and got tons of exercise that day!

Grace in her awesome Macy's Dress - She racked up for school!

Our trip home was uneventful – just LONG! I was glad to be home but once I entered SC, thought of OMG – Tomorrow is boot camp and Wednesday is practice and I CAN’T DO IT & I WANT TO QUIT just overwhelmed me to the point that I was bitchy & pissy and just plain mad. More so at myself than anything….

I even went as far as to tell hubs that I was not returning to practice….. I was so mentally whipped that I just knew i could not do it….

Luckily, I have an awesome husband and some really really great friends… They are pretty much telling me to get my ass out there and just do it. Go to practice and go to boot camp and suck it up!

Which is what I am going to do! (Wish me luck! LOL)

I have to say that the 1st day of Derby sign up & practice was about the best & worst day in regards to my ability to do something outside my norm. I do not step outside my comfort zone and just showing up was hitting all my alert levels to run. But I stayed… I signed up… I practiced… and I was devastated afterward.

So outta shape…. winded…. thirsty as hell…. embarrassed I didn’t do better… and I wanted to QUIT!

2 days after my 1st practice (Tuesday the 6th), I went to BOOTY BOOT CAMP! I experienced the same thing….. So outta shape…. winded…. thirsty as hell…. embarrassed I didn’t do better… and I wanted to QUIT!

I skipped Wednesday derby practice cause I just could not do it….. Thursday I did Boot Camp again…… that night I sat down with the hubs and said I think I had fucked up in joining roller derby…. I admitted I was scared, outta shape, terrible at it, and I wanted to stop….  and although he was not keen on me joining for fear of me getting hurt…. he was honest and said … “Don’t you think as you build endurance, you will get better? and then enjoy it more?” I love my man!

Since that night… I bought a pair of skates and went to a couple of open skates at local rinks…

My Skates!

I did skip Sunday night practice – it was a 3 hour practice and I was just not ready – I continued with Booty Boot Camp which is 2 days a week (Tuesday & Thursday) @ 5 freaking AM! Also I have to drive 35 minutes one way to get to boot camp but I did it… and my endurance is getting better…..

Day 1 of Boot Camp I could not run around building (1/10th of a mile) without stopping… Day 2, I made it around without stopping….. Day 3, I did 2 laps without stopping…

It is the small things I celebrate…

So I skipped 2 practices but I showed up last Wednesday for practice with my new skates…… It was GREAT! I skated the entire time! Didn’t Stop! Didn’t Take Water Breaks until EVERYONE did….. Now I was not as fast as the others….. but I DIDN’T STOP!

Major Milestone! I felt GREAT, AWESOME, FANTASTIC after the practice……

I will have to admit though that I was still contemplating quitting the entire day.. I emailed a couple of derby girls and their encouragement and acceptance of me was amazing… so I went & I loved it.. I was still winded & thirsty & outta shape but I did better…. and I enjoyed it a ton more…..

If only my ASS looked like this....

I was so pumped that when I got home from practice despite being totally exhausted, I could not sleep… Eventually I did sleep and was up at 4 the next morning for Boot Camp…… It was day 4 of Booty Boot Camp and me just sticking with this is amazing…

So – Have I made a permanent change? I would like to say so but to be honest, I have no fucking clue…. the only thing I can do is take it one day at a time.

My eating is not so good.. Not BAD but not the foods my camp trainer wants me to eat… but I am BROKE! Seriously BROKE! (Skates has been my only indulgence in a LONG TIME)

I have been making sure to stay away from processed foods as much as possible…. changed to wheat bread, brown rice, grilled/baked chicken….. more salads & fruits & veggies but when ya are broke it is sometimes hard… Processed is less expensive…

I am however, more conscience of what I am putting in my body… and I am journaling… so that is a good thing.. I am also NOT hiding what I am eating from my trainer. I am logging it ALL. In the past I would cheat and maybe not put everything… so me being honest is a huge step in the right direction….

Does anyone know how many ounces this jug is? I have no clue!

I drink water like crazy… this jug pictured is my water jug… I drink a minimum of 3 of these a day… and yes, I stay in the bathroom a BUNCH and get up ALOT at night…..

Tonight is a Derby Game… I am excited to go because I can say it is MY TEAM…. I will be helping set up the venue before bout time… It will be a LONG ASS TIME before I am actually competing… in the meantime, I will support MY TEAM by helping out where needed….

I am excited about this chapter in my life.. I am hoping & praying I will continue.. for now the outlook is GOOD!

Jackson LOVES my New Skates too!

That’s right. I DID IT!

Today I FREAKING HURT!

I am soooo proud of myself despite not being able to skate the ENTIRE 2 HOURS last night. But I did go for a good 1 1/2 hours on skates not to mention doing crunches, push ups, leg lefts, scissors – ALL with skates ON!

Let me say, I had to hold back tears at one point.. I was so out of breath and my mind went into quit mode. The hardest thing to do for me last night was to not quit. I did not leave early… I did take more water breaks than the others AND I did stop skating for a bit on and off due to extreme exhaustion.. but I was there and I did more last night than I thought I could.

Last night when I got home, my feet were on fire.. I of course bought some Epsom salt on the way home and that brought a chuckle from hubs when he saw me walk in with it. Today they are a bit sore but not as bad as I thought they would be. I have some blisters and some blisters on top of those blisters but all is well…

My muscles are sore from

1. Skating

2. Crunches/pushups/leg lifts/scissors, which were all done while wearing skates

AND 3. The falls I learned to do on my knees..

This is going to take some work.. HARD WORK! It was fun last night… wearing a mouth guard is different and I HAVE to learn to breathe thru my nose cause I got MAJOR dry mouth last night. Hence the many water breaks.

The cardio is what killed me the most. I am SO fucking out of shape…

I was disappointed that I stopped so much last night but I will be back and I will do better. Gonna try wearing the mouth guard around the house and possibly to booty boot camp so I can get use to breathing from my nose.

I weighed in yesterday at 245 – this morning it was 243 – LOL – I drank and passed so much water yesterday that I know the 2 pounds are from that.

As soon as I can find my measuring tape, I will measure myself so I can see if the skating along with the boot camp helps me.. which I know OF COURSE it will but I want to see how much…

I am going to St. Louis in August and would love to be lighter/thinner…..

Now – what should my name be???? Off to think about that.. Oh and I need an outfit.. OY!